Weird, how your mind goes in fifteen million directions once you have two kiddos. I swear, this immense sense of guilt has really come over me lately. I knew it would probably happen, once Little A came along. I felt guilty throughout my pregnancy for feeling so rotten and not spending enough quality time with Sassy. I racked my brain for was to make the "bis sister" transition easier on her. I prepared myself, as best I could, for the guilt I would experience over having two to adore instead of one. I did, really...
And, it is true. I know there is enough room in my heart for both of my girls. As soon as Little A was born, I loved her as much as I loved Sassy. There's no doubt about that.
Still, there has been a small sense of loss associated with this HUGE gain. We are no longer a family of three. I miss our family of three. I miss being able to shower ALL of my love and attention on Miss Sassy. I feel guilty that my attention has shifted and split in half. How do you show a two-year-old that your love remains the same when it is obvious that your physical actions are divided? Plus, I have guilt over feeling mournful... I think I will just live in a constant state of guilt until my kids turn 18... or move out... or get married... or, maybe it never ends.
Anyway, as I sit at night and feed Little A, there are times when I want to soothe her with a lullaby. I used to do this with Sassy a lot. Sassy loved being sung to, and when she was tired and fussy, I would sing to her. The one song that really soothed her was You Can Close Your Eyes by James Taylor. That became a regular in our nightly routine. Now, as I do the same for Little A, I find myself about to sing her the same song, and it just doesn't feel right. I can't bring myself to do it- I need a new song to sing.
That is my special lullaby for Sassy, and it needs to stay that way.