June 23, 2011

Oh No She Didn't...

Last Saturday, as I posted about, we attended Miss E's birthday party at Build-A-Bear. E is a classmate of Sassy, so of course Sassy was the one invited to the party...

Originally, my Mom was going to keep Tink at her house for a rest during the party, which was early in the afternoon, but we decided to all go up together, run some errands, have lunch, and then my Mom agreed to Keep Tink at the play place in the mall while Sassy and I attended the party at BAB.

So, we headed up early, and went to Hobby Lobby for some birthday party stuff I have brewing in my head for Tink's August birthday. Then, we arrived at the mall, did a bit of shopping, and had lunch at... where else... Noodles.

I knew Sassy would be coming home with a BAB animal, and I had a coupon for $5 off any animal, so we even took Tink in there ahead of time and she built one of these, which she named S'mores. She and my Mom took off for play land, and all was well.

Sassy and I enjoyed the party very much, as I wrote about previously. Afterwards, we trucked out of BAB and headed down towards the play place, where there were quite a few families enjoying their play time. It was Saturday, after all.

Tink was somewhere deep in a tunnel out of sight, but I spotted my Mom sitting along the edge right away, so we headed over to her direction. She asked how the party was, Sassy filled her in for a moment, and then my Mom announced that Tink had a surprise for me. When I asked what that surprise was, she called Tink over...

I was thinking to myself, oh goodness, I hope Tink didn't have an accident or something, necessitating the purchase of a whole new outfit or anything like that...

Any guesses on the nature of the surprise?






Did you catch it??

How about now?

I couldn't believe my eyes. It all sank in when Tink said Look, Mama! I got my eaws peiwced!

I about flipped out. No, really.

You took my BABY to get her ears pierced? Without me? Really?!?

I was MAD. Pretty flipping mad. Fuming, actually.

I don't really remember the next few minutes of my life. There was some yelling involved. There were stares from some of the other people around us. I even saw a couple of jaws hanging open. I flipped out for a minute, then realized where we were and calmed myself. Quickly. {Public apology to anyone who was within ears' reach. At least I didn't swear. I don't think.}

OK, it really wasn't the fight I've made it out to be. I wasn't screaming angrily. I was shouting in disbelief, all the while with a smile on my face. It really wasn't the epic war of the worlds that it could have been, perhaps that it should have been.

I was just upset. Hurt. That she would do something like this without discussing it with me! That should have been my decision {& Tyler's decision}. In fact, we had all the plans laid out. Sassy got her ears pierced at three-and-a-half. Remember? We took her to the mall and I took pictures and it was special.

I've often thought, as Tink questions me about when it's her turn to get her ears pierced, that I would take her on a special mommy-daughter date. We'd go in together. Her half birthday is days after Valentine's Day, so I thought it could be our little Valentine's date next year, her and I. A trip to get her ears pierced, then lunch and maybe Build-A-Bear. The plans were set in my mind.

My Mom had good intentions. She thought she was doing something nice. That it would be a surprise. A gift. I get it. I know, in retrospect, she realizes the error of her ways.

It became very clear to me that the fact that Tink had her ears pierced was not what was bothering me. At all. In fact, if my Mom had offered, after the birthday party, to pay for Tink to get her ears pierced, I would have most likely been on board. The plan was to wait until she was 3.5 like her sister, but you know how plans go...

What bothered me was that I was not there with her. I didn't get to see her reaction {according to my Mom, she didn't cry, just had a huge "O" expression, one of shock}. I will never have the pictures to look back on of the experience like I do with Sassy. For many people, this may seem like a small deal, but have you met me before? I document these things. Always. I would have liked to with Tink, for sure! It made me feel like I missed out on something important.

And, part of me is sentimental, too. It's hard for me to believe that my BABY has her ears pierced. That she was old enough to ask for it, want it, and agree to having it done.

This seems so silly to even write out, but it's how I feel, so here goes: When Sassy got her ears pierced, I insisted she got the white gold little cubic zirconia studs. They were small and dainty and had just a little sparkle. I maintained, although she was dying to get the pink & white daisies, that this was the best look for a little girl. Complete personal opinion, and no judgement to anyone else who chooses otherwise. So, I was just a bit taken aback when I saw Tink's {much larger} blue daisies. I would not have allowed her to choose those. I would have had her get the same small studs as Sassy got. Then, as I processed these thoughts, I felt jealous almost, that my Mom let her choose whichever earrings she wanted, when I knew that I would not have been able to get over my own wishes to do the same had it been me with her. It made me feel terrible.

I know, I know. Too many feelings behind something as silly as ear piercing, right?


After telling this story to several of my friends, I heard a lot of gasps. A lot of "oh no she didn't-s"... in retrospect, I think I actually handled things quite well. {besides the initial yelling, maybe} I've had several friends tell me it would have been a MAJOR big deal if that had happened to them.

At least I'm not alone.

The fact is I couldn't stay mad long.

I had an almost-three-year-old who was over the moon about having just gotten her ears pierced, and she couldn't wait to show her Mama and her sister.

I had to be excited for her.

Maybe someday I will be grateful for this early lesson. This lesson on how to be happy for my children from the outside instead of the inside. Maybe this is the first time of many, many times to come that I will be required to process these types of bittersweet feelings. After all, it is my hope that my girls will become successful, independent women. There are consequences to hopes and dreams like that. I know I will have to learn to accept letting go, stepping back, being less involved and more externally supportive.

Tough stuff to digest, for sure.

But, it will all be OK.

And, yes, my Mom and I now have an explicit agreement that she may never take the girls to do anything where she is required to give permission as their legal guardian without consent. Ever. The end.

7 sweet tweets:

Sherry said...

Oh Heather!!! Since I don't have a girl, I can't say that I'm able to relate completely...however, it's safe to say that I would have been VERY upset that my mom did it w/o my permission. As would my husband...especially my husband. I'm cringing even thinking about it. On the bright side, Tink looks absolutely adorable with her BIG blue daisy earrings. :) And I think all your feelings you had about this are completely normal. Btw, your parents read your blog, right?

Rachel said...

Wowzers! Ear piercing was sort of a hot topic in my house growing up. I didn't get my ears pierced until I was 15 (when I then got 3 in each ear), and my sister just got hers pierced last fall when she turned 18. I've always believed Ella would decide when her ears were pierced, if at all. It sounds like Tink was super happy about the piercing, so I guess that's all that matters (though, I totally feel for you having missed it). The daises are really fun and look adorable on her!

Zoeby said...

Oh, I'm sorry you missed out on that. I too have visions of the day Claire gets her done. Oh the photos there'll be!! Now I have to sit the Grandma's down and make sure they know not to do it without me or my camera :)

Shannon said...

Oh, my, word. I completely get where you are coming from! While I don't have photos of Maggie getting hers done, that's because I was holding her and there. I can't imagine missing that, sorry hon! also picked out the teeny tiny studs and here, 6 months later that is still what she is wearing. They are girlie but dainty. And I do get where your mom is coming from; it was spur of the moment and fun. But I also know how you must feel a combination of betrayal, jealousy, anger, and resentment. It was something that only happens once and you missed it. So my question is...what did Sassy think about the fact that sissy didn't have to wait?

Erin Dashiell said...

Oh Heather, my heart breaks for you! I would be stark raving MAD if I missed Catie getting her ears pierced. It just one of those right of passage moments that every Mom wants to be there for. Your feelings are completely valid and right on. Catie recently has been asking to get her ears peirced and I know it wouldn't be the same, but I would love it if you would want to document her's being pierced. I was following your same example and am currently waiting until she is 3 and half :)

Anonymous said...

I am not entirely sure my mother would ever do something like this, and the only reason I say that is because we have kind of been here. Not with ear piercing, of course, but each year at Christmas I have to reel them in, and it gets ugly. It is beside the point that excess stresses me out, the main point is that I am the one that gets the big gifts at Christmas, like bikes, etc. And they have REALLY pissed me off at Christmas before, so we have had these types of arguments enough that she should know better.

Kendra said...

oh my word. I would be really upset!!

I have to say, the part of this post that stuck me the most was the part you thought might be silly. You gave me a name for something I didn't have before. I feel like I want to be involved in EVERY minute of my children's lives. My sister - who is VERY involved, and watches the twins for us when we need a sitter- always wants to take them fun places...and I get sad thinking about it. So far we haven't let her (I am not comfortable letting anyone else drive with my babies yet), but I know eventually I will. I should. My babies have many doting aunts, and they should get to have special memories with them...and I need to not be JEALOUS.