September 22, 2010

Can I Blame it on My Golgi Tendon Organs?

I think not...

Today I had one of those mornings that I wish I could rewind and have a re-do. I've just been stewing over it ever since, so I figured it may be cathartic to write it all out...

Today, the girls are at MDO. I always hate Wednesday mornings, because they tend to be hectic and chaotic more hectic and chaotic than normal. Both girls have to get up, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush their teeth, get their backpacks gathered and ready, lunches and all, with shoes on, so we can be out the door on time. This may be normal for many of you, but it's tough for us, considering it's a change from our daily routine.

Anyway, both girls had done a relatively good job of listening and cooperating, and we were all but ready to head out the front door to the car. As you walk in our front door, you are faced with the stairs to our basement, in which there is a wooden swinging gate. Having been religious about keeping the gate shut, we've begun to be slightly more lenient about it as of late, as Little A is doing really well getting up and down the stairs, and the practice is good for her.

Well, Sassy and Little A were headed towards the front door, with Little A slightly ahead. For whatever reason, as fast as I could watch it unfold, Sassy decided she needed to beat Little A to the door knob. Completely out of character for her, she aggressively grabbed Little A by the shoulder and ripped her backwards, in turn reaching the door first. As this happened, the force from Sassy's shove, in combination with the backwards-heavy momentum her little backpack gave her caused her to fall back into what is most often a locked gate, although not today. As quick as I could move, I grabbed the front of her shirt and part of her backpack. Luckily, the third of the gate that was there hung her up long enough for me to make the successful grab, preventing her from catapulting backwards down the full flight of stairs with force.

This is where the story should end. Thank God no one got hurt.. right??

Well, it didn't.

I screamed, "SASSY {first and middle name}, are you INSANE?" Yep, I yelled those words. Already frightened by the turn of events, she immediately burst into tears. Any reasonable Mama would have realized that she did not intend to hurt her sister in any way, she just had a knee-jerk reaction out of desire to reach the door first, and she acted before she thought through her actions. I do that all the time, and I am 28. She's 4.

Then, instead of realizing the error of my ways, I continued to berate her for what she did, pouring over the what-ifs, and frightening her further. When, all along, I was probably just angry with myself for leaving the damn gate open.

Little A just looked at me, stunned. She didn't get any consolation for her almost-fall. Nope. She just got to witness me act like a crazy person.

Sassy was beside herself, sobbing and saying she was sorry. I marched them out to the car, and it wasn't until I had them buckled and ready to drive off that I took a minute to give Sassy a hug, apologize for reacting the way I did, and explain why I was angry. She'd been upset long enough and severely enough that she was still sobbing after she was crying. Familiar with that phenomenon? It was beyond her control. It went too far. Because of me.

I hate when I do that.

I had to send her off to MDO still upset; still worried I was angry with her.

I despise days like these. I allowed my emotions to get the best of me, and have spent the rest of the day stewing over what I should have done differently.

Unfortunately, there are no take-backs.

4 sweet tweets:

courtney said...

Your 'momma bear protecting her cub' instincts came out...even though the "predator" happened to be your other cub. We will all have moments like this, just the nature of being a mom. Don't beat yourself up over it...a good excuse for some cuddle time tonight :)

**** said...

Uh, pretty sure Ella could tell some stories of Mommy being a lot nastier than that, Heather!

It's better they find out you're human now then on some shrink's couch years from now. You acted out of love and fear, and so long as you explain that to your kids, I doubt they'll be emotionally scarred.

((HUGS)) back at you :) and I'm happy to hear there were no injuries!

Sherry said...

Yep, been there and done that too! Hopefully it'll be forgotten quickly by all, but I bet you are sure to keep the gate locked now! ;)

Monica said...

Sounds like a pretty typical morning for us.